Pet Bereavement: Stop the Taboo and See it’s a Mental Health Issue
There is a quote that says;
“In my darkest hour, I reached for a hand but found a paw”.
There is a reason that dogs have been classed as ‘man’s best friend’ and terms like ‘crazy cat lady’ have been coined. Our pets, our furry family members, have such an incredible impact on our lives. They are with us through everything, just waiting on us as we live our lives each day, grateful to be a part of it all.
Pets and Mental Health
For years, there have been scientific studies into the benefits of our beloved furry family members on our mental health; and the evidence just keep gaining traction. HABRI (Human Animal Bond Research Institute) found that 74% of pet owners said that their mental health has improved since owning a pet. Studies show that human-animal interaction causes an increase in oxytocin levels in the brain, resulting in feelings of calm, comfort and focus.
A study, carried out with cat owners by the Cats Protection and the Mental Health Foundation, found that 87% of the study group felt owning a cat had a positive impact on their wellbeing. 76% said they found live was easier to cope with thanks to having the company of a pet.
You may be benefitting from being a pet owner and not even realising the wonders it does for your mental health.
How does owning a pet help with mental health?
They increase physical activity and get you outside. Dog owners are likely to take their dog out a walk or run at least once a day, maybe more depending upon the breed.
Provide companionship. Caring for a pet can give you a sense of security, knowing you have them to come home to and you have them to share the day with. They can help you feel wanted and needed, especially later on in the elder years of life.
Reduce anxiety. Have you ever noticed how relaxing and calming it can be to have a dog lie beside you and how stroking them can be almost hypnotising? The vibrations of a cat or guinea pigs purr can also bring such a comfort and help you relax.
Great listeners. Pets offer unconditional love and support, they won’t criticise you. This can in turn boosts your self-confidence especially if you feel misunderstood or isolated.
They add structure to your day. Having to feed, exercise and care for a pet can help you feel grounded and focused as they help you stick to a daily routine. It can give you a sense of purpose and achievement.
They make you smile when you don’t want to. How many of you go to find cute or funny cat and dog videos or memes when you’re having a bad day? You could be in the worst place but if a pet does something funny or cute it can make you smile without even trying.
They can help adults and kids who are neurodivergent. Playing with a cat or dog can be a great way to get out any excess nervous energy or energy in general. They can provide the unconditional relationship that can help someone build social skills and confidence. They can provide a sense of calm and reassurance in times where a neurodivergent person may be in a state of overwhelm.
A Nation of Pet Lovers
59% of households in the UK have a pet in 21/22 period with dogs being the most popular pet at 12.5 million and cats being second at 12.2 million. 51% of UK households say that they see their pet as part of their families.
Our pets are now, more than ever, a part of our lives and integrating them to social media is no exception with one in four pets having their very own social media account with an average of 925 followers.
Some of us choose to have pets instead of children for various reasons and let’s be honest, they require no less love, care or responsibility than a human child.
I was one of many who had my dog at my wedding, not only that, he walked me down the aisle because he meant so much to us, it was him entering into a new chapter and family too with me.
As much as I take my children with me on adventures and holidays, our current dog is a big part of them too because he is a part of our family, he loves us all and he gives us all so much in different ways.
The bonds created run deep, I truly believe that if you have never loved an animal, especially a dog, then a part of your soul remains unawakened. The power of a dog is utterly life changing. It is no surprise then that, like everything in life, their time here isn’t infinite and whether we are ready for it or not it hits us hard and long.
The Hidden Depths of Pet Bereavement – Trigger warning
With pet bereavement not being a much talked about subject, there is still an air of ‘ridiculousness’ surrounding it and people often think ‘It was just a dog’ and this is such a damaging view, especially for the person experiencing grief. Losing a furry family member is most definitely a grief inducing time, the grief can actually take longer to process for someone who loses their pet because it is still not societally accepted as something that affects our mental health.
Depending on how the animal passed can also bring along the factor of PTSD. If you witness a family member being attacked or in a car crash for example, it is going to leave you with another level of trauma and seeing your beloved furry family member be attacked by another animal, see them run over or in an accident or having to watch them slowly deteriorate with illness can be extremely life altering and traumatic. There is also less help in regards to dog attacks from police and other services and there is a lot of stress involved with the owner of the other animal as you don’t know the circumstances surrounding it. That can cause a delay to grief and can make you function in ‘survival mode’ so when it does all sink in, it can hit much deeper.
Unlike other human’s, certainly in regards to the UK, you don’t have the option or choice to make about ending someone’s life if it is to that point but for animals we do have that option and the burden of that decision can be one that can haunt you for a very long time. Even if you feel you were making the most humane choice in that moment, the thoughts and ‘what if’s’ can be perilous. For all of these scenarios, you have to not only deal with the grief of loss but also deal with the trauma and there is absolutely nothing ridiculous about that.
The stigma surrounding a pet passing away is still very much at large and it really needs to be broken down. The bonds created with our furry family members are just as, if not more so at times, strong as those we create with our human family. They give us unconditional love and acceptance, they give us a reason to get up and go, they help us maintain our mental health and fitness and when that then goes away there is a lot to work through. Grief manifests in many different ways and there is not a ‘one size fits all’ policy in regards to it for anyone or anything. There are of course stages of grief but they ebb and flow; you may think you’ve moved on a stage in your grief and something comes along to make you reassess it, anger comes around out of the blue and that process needs to be worked through again. The attitude of ‘It’s been x number of weeks, you need to move on now’ needs to dissipate because it can take a long time even just to get to a point of trying to accept and cope with the change in routine never mind the trauma or emotions that come with it all.
Pet Bereavement and the Workplace
There is no doubt there is a fundamental lack of understanding and acceptance when it comes to pet bereavement and this shows in the absence of policy in the working environment. I find it odd that many workplaces now allow you to take in your dogs to build up morale in an office environment but deny you the time needed when that dog passes away.
Currently, in the UK, there is no legal requirement for employers to give leave to someone who is experiencing pet bereavement despite over three quarters of pet owners in the UK feeling that there should be a policy in place. Nearly 50% of those pet owners admitted that they haven’t told their employer when they had to deal with pet bereavement, with two in five of those saying that their pet means as much as other family members.
More astonishingly than those figures, those who did tell colleagues about their loss saw 9% saying they were actively made fun of and bullied for being so upset and 7% even got laughed at in their time of need. This is absolutely outrageous behaviour, we would never be this lacking of compassion or empathy if it were another family member and it is unacceptable that any kind of loss or grief should be made fun of.
Many workplaces have said that they feel a pet bereavement policy would be abused by employees and that there is no way to properly ‘police’ it effectively, stating that it may lead to more work for veterinary practices as they’d need to give appropriate paperwork and proof. These companies have also stated that they don’t feel it is comparable as many of the employees can replace the pet within a few months of the loss whereas you can’t for a human. Although this may be true, it doesn’t make the trauma any lesser and you can never replace the bond or pet that passed emotionally, the bond you make with each animal differs slightly and they all have their own individual characteristics. One company boss even said that ‘you don’t grieve long term for a pet’ and this kind of thinking and misinformation is actually very harmful and toxic for people’s mental health. You cannot put a time limit on anyone’s grief for anything. I have been chronically ill for ten years now for example and there are times I grieve hard still for the life I’ve had to leave behind and for the things I can no longer do the same. I lost my ‘Doggy Soulmate’, Vader, very suddenly in November 2018 and still to this day, I am processing that at times. I miss him terribly and even though we have another dog now and he’s an integral part of our family, the bond is different as is the dynamic.
Pet Bereavement and Children
It may be that it’s not just you experiencing the grief and loss of a furry family member and if there are children in your life, it can make things much more difficult because you have to at times, push your grief to the wayside to support them through it firstly. It can be a huge change for them too and of course they will have questions that can be very difficult to answer as well as it being a very real and traumatic experience for them. For many it could be their first experience of life being finite and that is a very difficult thing to process.
I have two children who were very young when our dog Vader passed away but they both noticed in their own ways for their stages the absence that was left. My eldest was coming up to three and my youngest was ten months old. My eldest son asked questions and he obviously saw how crushed I was too, as much as I tried to keep it together for them I had had Vader for ten years and he had saved my life many times. I was devastated that I’d now have to figure out how to live without that lifeline, that confidant. I have already been honest with my sons and never talked down to them or treated them like they are lesser, we are raising little people after all but I have always tried to be gentle with the truth in knowledge.
I tried to find a book to help us through the difficult time and other people sent a few as gifts, which was so thoughtful. However, the books were very ‘cold’; as much as they were supposed to help with feelings, I found they had the opposite effect and became very ‘unfeeling’. I told them about Rainbow Bridge and how his time with us had to end here but he’d be allowed to watch over us on Rainbow Bridge. It sparked an idea with me and as they say, ‘If you can’t find the book, write it yourself’. So, I did. I wrote my first children’s book and became a self-published author, tackling mental health and life issues for kids that can be enjoyed together over and over again.
Conclusion
There is no doubt that pet bereavement is a mental health issue and can incur a lot of trauma and heavy emotions. It turns your world upside down and for many, it feels like you’re incomplete for a long time. There has to be more societal acceptance and understanding of this subject. It doesn’t have to be gruesome or scary or seen as morbid; it is something that will inevitably come along in the lifetime of your pet. The more we talk about it and how to support people in their darkest times, the more options there can be in regards to other areas of our day to day lives.
Our furry family members are incredible. They do so much for us, in a relatively short amount of time. Owning a pet will bring many of the happiest days of your life; and one of the most gut-wrenching and heartbreaking.
If you are going through the difficult process of grieving a pet, please know there is help out there for you and you are not alone.
Blue Cross offers a confidential helpline and email service to help you through. RSPCA has advice and important services you can access on their page.
Support Line can also help with advice and has other services available including Animal Samaritan’s and Paws to Listen by Cats Protection.
About the writer
Rochelle Lea Hanslow is a chronic illness and mental writer and advocate. She is a self-published children’s author tackling life issues and mental health in a fun, gentle and positive way for children. Rochelle has been ambassador and writer for M.E Support UK since 2015 and sole contributor to the M.E Support Blog since January 2021. To read more of Rochelle’s work and listen to her podcast ‘Tangent Ahoy!’ you can visit her website Made You Co.