How to Make Friends as an Adult: Why Social Connection is Life-Saving
The pandemic of social disconnection
Where do you stand on making new friends? Do you feel you’re all set for social connection, or are you one of the 25% of adults who struggles with feeling lonely? It probably won’t surprise anyone that the official stats on loneliness have only worsened since 2020, as Covid has shrunk social circles en masse. Of course, other factors can contribute to this; however, the importance of friendship and social connection cannot be underestimated for a fulfilling life.
Research from this year showed that 21% of people aged 18-34 have lost five or more friendships since the pandemic began (only 3% of those aged 55 and over). Meanwhile, 20% of Brits say they have grown apart from close friends since the pandemic (more men than women stated this, at 23% vs. 17%). Even worse, 40% of Britons say they’ve lost contact with some friends altogether. Further evidence of widespread loneliness lies in the 28% of responses saying they don’t have a best friend.
So how do people fare in getting proactive about making pals? Well, YouGov found that half of Britons (51%) say they find it difficult to make new friends. While a third (35%) find making friends ‘fairly difficult’, a further 16% say it’s ‘very difficult’ for them. So you’re definitely not alone if this sounds like you. In fact, 8,200 people search ‘how to make friends’ in Google every month.
Perhaps it’s not even the lack of knowledge over how to go about finding new friends, but the deficit of time we all seem to struggle with in this hyper-connected world of shame-inducing amounts of screen time. Perhaps even, the fact that many people now place more importance on building side hustles, or indeed, working enough hours to cover the rising cost of living. A 2018 study said that it takes 50 hours to form a casual friendship, while it takes 90 hours to make a good friend. When you put it that way, it sounds more like another weighty time investment many people just can’t find the space for. On the bright side, 34% of Brits have made a new friend in the last year, so it’s nice to know that new companions are being found.
Nevertheless, with loneliness clearly affecting so many people, finding ways to navigate this and share our experiences is crucial.
Changing habits and social circles in adulthood
So what’s the problem? Do we lose the ability to make friends from childhood to adulthood?
The concept of friendship in adulthood can be so different for everyone. Some people might fall into new friendships in line with who they’re becoming or what they’re interested in, while others struggle to find new friends at all. 1,300 people Google the more specific ‘how to make friends as an adult’ every month. Meanwhile, ‘how to make friends in your 20s’ gets 300 searches a month and ‘how to make friends in your 30s’, 250 searches a month. Of course, there is also the common conundrum of moving to a new place and having to start over socially, with 700 people a month Googling ‘how to make friends in a new city’.
Some people stay friends with the people they hang around with in primary or secondary school (I’m lucky enough to be one of those people), while others drift away completely from childhood friends. There are, of course, factors that affect how often we see our friends. Some people may not see each other frequently as they don’t live locally, while some friendship groups are divided by those who have children and those who don’t. Some fall into new friendship groups altogether, while some friends can go for long periods without seeing each other while always remaining thick as thieves. But many people will find that long-term friendships from younger years, university days or hometowns inevitably start to shift with age, and don’t know where to turn to replace the emotional benefits of those former connections.
Many people will know that the workplace can be a great place to make new friends. I’ve made firm friendships in different jobs I’ve worked in over the years, some of whom I’m still close with today, some I see pretty regularly. I’ve been on holidays with them, to hen dos and weddings with them and even been a bridesmaid for one of them. I made friends quickly when I moved to Spain for work, as expats often bond easily over being far from home. Of course, the nature of colleague interactions will vary depending on the nature of their work, but the environment of an office job has historically brought inevitable bonding. However, with flexible working now the norm, and many big companies having gone totally remote since the pandemic, the days of being together eight hours a day, five days a week are becoming a distant memory for many.
Loneliness, male suicide rates and the urgent need to be more vulnerable
It’s about more than just socialising and having fun. Friendship and connection are good for both our physical health (it’s associated with lower rates of heart-related complications, for example) and good wellbeing, as loneliness can have tragic consequences. This week, Liverpool UFC lightweight Paddy Pimblett encouraged men to ‘start talking’ if they’re experiencing mental health challenges, following the suicide of his friend a few days earlier. It’s nothing new to say that men, in particular, need to open up and tell each other if they’re feeling they can’t cope, yet everyone celebrated him (and rightly so, of course) like he was saying something ground-breaking. This just proves it cannot be said enough that *it’s OK to not be OK*, while there is still a long, long way to go. Because suicide is still the biggest killer of men under 45, with a large percentage of those unknown to mental health services. So clearly, way too many people still feel that it’s not OK to struggle and that to share their troubles would be too much of a burden, even to mental health professionals. This is why having good friends or trusted connections is so important. Whether it’s a mate, a trusted confidante or a supportive community, everyone needs to feel they have a go-to listening ear and a safe space when they need it. Since 2010, men aged 45 to 64 years have had the highest age-specific suicide rates. It’s probably not too much of a stretch to assume that part of the reason for this is that it’s also the time in life when many friendships fade away?
The rise of self-care shows there are positives to take from people having become more comfortable in their own company over the pandemic (bye-bye FOMO and burning ourselves out over-committing to socialising, hello mindfulness/actually hearing our own thoughts). Yet it’s also true that the modern world has created more real-world disconnection on many levels, in terms of both the working world and the greater level of online connection; whether that’s hanging out on social media, WhatsApp groups or online gaming. I know for me, being self-employed and working from home has given me the opportunity to rethink how I seek out connection with other people. It’s to be expected that freelancers may occasionally miss the camaraderie and constant companionship of an office, but that’s totally dependent on the company culture, which I’ve had good and bad experiences with over the years in my career. I find that I can now conserve my energy for face-to-face meet-ups that really uplift me, but it does take a certain amount of proactiveness and determination to regularly create such opportunities. They could come from working with a friend in a co-working space, decamping to a favourite coffee shop, signing up to networking events or, of course, making sure I regularly socialise with friends and family.
You don’t need me to tell you that a big part of adulthood is starting to grapple with the relationship we have with ourselves, which can then impact on our friendships too. I've had really lonely periods when I was struggling with mental health but was too ashamed to tell anyone. I’m sure most people reading this will relate to that, though some may be more prone to closing themselves off to people than others. I think when we’re younger and keeping ourselves busy socialising, that often involves surface-level connections that see us focusing on volume, rather than quality of friends, in order to have a good time, most of the time. Part of getting older and wiser is definitely feeling content with a smaller group of friends whose company we love and can trust. Yet many people may feel that when they do get the precious chance to see friends as they age, they're often focused on making the most of enjoying that time rather than burdening each other with problems. I don’t think it’s too bold an assumption, given the statistics, to say that men are generally less inclined to have deeper conversations with friends about what’s really going on inside.
The rise of friendship break-ups
Whether social distancing is to blame for making people more, well, anti-social, or all the pandemic-induced self-work is making people pickier about the energy they allow into their lives, friendship culls seem to be on the rise. According to YouGov, 46% of UK adults reported this year that they want to put an end to negative or non-useful friendships. And 37% say they have friends they don’t bother seeing. Of course, the last couple of years have given everyone plenty of food for thought when it comes to aligning or jarring values around equality, health, you name it; which can be fuel in itself for serious rifts. When someone is dumped by a friend, the heartbreak can be as intense as a romantic breakup, as we rely on our friends for emotional support (perhaps even more so, depending on the relationship you have with your partner). Yet it just isn’t discussed in the same way - in fact, the concept of friendship break-ups is downright taboo.
This can really hurt and lead to feelings of mourning and rejection, particularly when there’s no communication about their reasons from the party that’s become distant. Friendship ghosting, which was surprisingly commonplace even pre-Covid (a 2018 study found that 65% of participants had ghosted a friend, while 72% had been ghosted themselves), adds an extra painful element of confusion and sting of betrayal to the feelings of grief already caused by losing that relationship. If you’re the person who feels you need to end a friendship, it is of course your prerogative to do what you need to for your own mental health and happiness. Perhaps that friend hasn’t been meeting your needs, you feel you have too little in common, or the relationship has felt one-sided. And that’s fair enough; people grow apart and it's a natural part of life as we all evolve. However, bear in mind that letting them know what’s happening is both kinder to the other person and will spare you feelings of guilt and regret in the future (not to mention the added anxiety of always wondering whether you’ll bump into them, due to depriving yourselves of that closure). This is, of course, assuming they haven’t done something truly terrible to you and they do actually deserve some sort of explanation.
It’s worth saying that if you have a friend who’s become distant, this may be nothing to do with you. Their lack of contact may be unintentional if they're overwhelmed with other commitments or life’s unforeseen circumstances, or they may well be navigating more serious struggles they’re having difficulty speaking about. It’s always worth trying to start up a conversation about what someone might be going through if you think this could be the case, letting them know they can talk to you if they need support or a listening ear. Many people going through mental health challenges will isolate themselves from those around them as they feel shame, or don’t want to feel like a burden to anyone.
How to make friends as an adult
So if you feel it’s time to expand your social network IRL, how does one actually go about making new friends?
It can feel awkward to even desire such a thing, but rest assured, you’re not alone – as the stats above show, many of us are in the market for new friends. It doesn’t mean you’re a social pariah; perhaps you’re looking to fill a gap in a particular area of your life you’d like to share with others, for example if you have specific hobbies or your old drinking buddies are more settled now.
A great place to start is – don't groan – social media. There are so many Facebook groups per city now it’s staggering; simply search your location and a word related to your interests or the type of people you want to meet, and voila. A whole pool of people you already have common ground with. Many of these groups will arrange meet-ups specifically to make new friends and take part in activities together, so you can leave your self-consciousness at the door (or at the join request).
There are also apps designed for just such a need, with Bumble’s ‘Bumble BFF’ feature catering specifically to those looking to swipe right for platonic, rather than romantic, relationships.
Volunteering is another good place to meet new people; what better than to pool resources and the knowledge that you’re making the world a better place? After all, do-goodery loves company.
You could also look up classes such as creative writing, life drawing or sports in your area, where you’re bound to have a great chance of striking up new bonds with a dash of team spirit.
Join the discussion at Same Shit Different Brain’s first ever live event
If you need more confidence introducing yourself in social settings and making new friendships in adulthood, have been wanting to find communities of people who share your interests but don't know where to start, or sometimes struggle with loneliness and would love more human connection, I have just the event for you (if you’re available on 11th August and in Manchester). At my first ever live panel talk 'How to Make Friends and Find Communities’, my guest speakers will discuss such topics as:
The difference between friendship in childhood and in adulthood
The concept of loneliness and how so many of us lack deep human connection, which harms our mental health
The heartbreak of friendship breakups - how it feels to ‘dump’ or be dumped by a friend
Creating communities - my guests have created LGBT social groups, badminton, breathwork and board game groups, joined cold water swimming groups and more
Top tips for people looking to make new friends/feel more confident introducing themselves to people
The panel includes both men and women - including an actor and ADHD community founder, a breathwork coach and LBTQ+ badminton club founder.
It will be a joyous and fun evening of sharing stories in a safe space, with an honest bunch of people from different walks of life who have all been on their own journeys searching for meaningful human connection, and really care about helping others find that for themselves. We know how it feels to wonder where to start finding new friendships as adults and will discuss various ways we’ve found communities in different areas of interest. We’ll also explore what finding those trusted circles of people has done for our mental health.
We will take questions and comments from the audience too - no pressure to contribute if you feel more comfortable just watching. Or we will have time afterwards to chat among ourselves, without the microphones - the perfect opportunity to get started making new friends.
*This event will be free for refugees and asylum seekers*
For everyone else, tickets are only £5: https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/how-to-make-friends-and-find-communities-as-an-adult-tickets-379273576477
